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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 9, 2023 9:09:42 GMT
Maybe a bit less chat in the summer break so, with more than enough doom and gloom in the world (and in relation to QPR), I thought I'd start a joke thread.
So, I was queueing in the Bush Pie & Mash shop before kick-off recently. There was a big poster in the window saying, 'Special offer, two pies for £2!'
There was an old boy in the queue in front of me. He asked the lady behind the counter, "Two pies for two pounds, but I'm on me tod. How much is it for just one pie?"
The lady replied, "It's £1.25 for one pie."
Old boy, "Can I have the other one then?"
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Post by acricketer on Jun 10, 2023 12:07:42 GMT
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 12, 2023 17:05:44 GMT
Last week, as part of the club's work in the community, the QPR team visited a local children's home for orphans and children abandoned by their parents.
Interviewed afterward by the Hammersmith Gazette...
“It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope...”
...said Bethany, age 6.
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Post by Hitman34 on Jun 12, 2023 17:28:45 GMT
What is the only Animal in the world that has a cunt on its back...........................
A police horse.
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Post by The General on Jun 12, 2023 18:47:17 GMT
Panda in a night club doing his moves
Pulls a cracking women stunner
Takes her for posh dinner
Takes her home shags the hell out of her
Jumps off goes to the door
Very annoyed the woman says is that it
He shouts yes im a Panda look it up
She looks it up and it says
Panda - Eats shoots and leaves 🤣
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Post by The General on Jun 12, 2023 18:51:32 GMT
Charlie Austin in at half time
Warbourton says im going to pull you off mate
Charlie says great my old manager just gave us
An orange at halftime
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Post by itsonlyagame on Jun 13, 2023 5:52:59 GMT
Interesting fact: Women make exceptional archaeologists. They have an uncanny knack of digging up the past.
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 13, 2023 8:53:12 GMT
Shocking behaviour at our last game of the season against Bristol City where a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch!
Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
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Post by Rangers77 on Jun 13, 2023 10:53:38 GMT
Fella claims to be the greatest lover. His name is Arsenal. He is all the time on top, but comes second.
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Post by Corbray on Jun 13, 2023 11:09:11 GMT
my favourite joke:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?
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Post by hubble on Jun 13, 2023 11:57:32 GMT
How could Dave and his boss afford all those flights?
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Post by Corbray on Jun 13, 2023 11:58:24 GMT
How could Dave and his boss afford all those flights? they couldn't but luckily dave knew all the people at check in and the pilots |
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Post by acricketer on Jun 13, 2023 12:34:16 GMT
I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying:
"I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realized how many gynecologists' there are on the roads.
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Post by The General on Jun 13, 2023 12:52:11 GMT
my favourite joke: Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave? Epic effort 🤣🤣 |
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Post by MattyRangers on Jun 13, 2023 13:53:06 GMT
Two guys see a dog licking himself. First guy says, “Don’t you wish you could do that?”
And the other guy says, “Yeah! But I’m afraid he’d bite me.”
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 13, 2023 18:05:56 GMT
Two guys see a dog licking himself. First guy says, “Don’t you wish you could do that?” And the other guy says, “Yeah! But I’m afraid he’d bite me.” Slight variation... Two guys in the pub, one with his dog. The dog starts licking himself. The dog owner's mate says wistfully, "I wish I could do that..." The dog owner replies, "Give him a pork scratching and he'll probably let you." |
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Post by 1qprdk on Jun 14, 2023 7:09:54 GMT
Zwei peanuts was walking down der strasse and one was assaulted... peanut
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Post by hubble on Jun 14, 2023 9:08:17 GMT
Zwei peanuts was walking down der strasse and one was assaulted... peanut
Huh?
I confess I am a fan of so-called dad jokes. My current favourite is this:
Dad has the whole family assembled in the front room. He gazes at each of them in turn, before announcing in ominous tones: someone is this house is possessed by an owl.
His son looks up: Who?
Dad: Aha!
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 14, 2023 10:21:21 GMT
Part of a Covid-times TV interview with Premier League star Jason Bent...
Interviewer: "Are you one of the players who generously gave a week's wages to help nurses?"
Jason Bent: "I visited a hospital with the lads last week. I know they say footballers are overpaid compared to nurses - well now I know why...
We had a kick around with them and they were shite!"
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 20, 2023 17:40:06 GMT
So slow....  Sat next to a guy at the QPR v Derby Play Off Final in 2014. I noticed he had an empty seat next to him. I said to him: “Thought we'd sold out - who on earth would miss the play-off final?” The guy replied: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to every QPR match for 27 years, but sadly she passed away.” “That’s terrible - couldn’t you get another member of the family or a friend to come with you?” “No, they are all at the funeral...” |
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Post by Stanley75 on Jun 20, 2023 17:58:55 GMT
So slow.... Sat next to a guy at the QPR v Derby Play Off Final in 2014. I noticed he had an empty seat next to him. I said to him: “Thought we'd sold out - who on earth would miss the play-off final?” The guy replied: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to every QPR match for 27 years, but sadly she passed away.” “That’s terrible - couldn’t you get another member of the family or a friend to come with you?” “No, they are all at the funeral...” |
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 21, 2023 10:34:00 GMT
OK, guess the player... should be VERY easy.  |
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Post by Corbray on Jun 21, 2023 10:41:21 GMT
upside down so must be an aussie ... is it massimo luongo?
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Post by Stanley75 on Jun 21, 2023 11:38:33 GMT
Mackie
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Post by hubble on Jun 21, 2023 11:54:32 GMT
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 21, 2023 14:35:29 GMT
Of course, but here's the exact image, rotated 180 degrees...  |
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Post by acricketer on Jun 21, 2023 16:36:30 GMT
Mass Emo Loo On Go
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Post by 2Loftus on Jun 21, 2023 17:59:33 GMT
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Granddad.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!
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Post by acricketer on Jun 23, 2023 15:31:13 GMT
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Post by West Acton on Jun 28, 2023 13:08:19 GMT
Come on QPR 😂🤣😂 she’s not wrong
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