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Post by esoxlucius on Jan 14, 2020 19:21:00 GMT
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
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Post by esoxlucius on Jan 15, 2020 13:40:39 GMT
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Post by 1qprdk on Jan 29, 2020 10:03:44 GMT
Word ass thread made me think of this clip which is hilarious IMO. Can´t do the accent 😂:
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Post by esoxlucius on Jan 29, 2020 11:23:56 GMT
Just heard an old friend has died from the big C. He was stood under the sign outside the Co-Op when it fell off.
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Post by Ginger Ninja on Jan 29, 2020 11:34:24 GMT
My wife left me because apparently I'm too childish.
What does she know?
She's just a stinky poo face.
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Post by itsonlyagame on Jan 29, 2020 12:55:11 GMT
Word ass thread made me think of this clip which is hilarious IMO. Can´t do the accent 😂: Superb. Whitehouse is a comic genius, very underrated. |
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72bus
Silver Seat
Posts: 1,070
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Post by 72bus on Jan 29, 2020 14:07:16 GMT
QPR performance last night
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Post by 1qprdk on Jan 29, 2020 14:44:28 GMT
'Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.'
Swiss Toni
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kayak
Bronze Seat
Posts: 19 
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Post by kayak on Jan 29, 2020 14:56:56 GMT
Word ass thread made me think of this clip which is hilarious IMO. Can´t do the accent 😂: Way over my head this 😂 |
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Post by esoxlucius on Jan 29, 2020 18:26:02 GMT
TARDIS
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Who's There?
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Knock, Knock.
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Post by gtleighsr3 on Jan 29, 2020 18:29:02 GMT
How do you make a lemon cum?
You tickle it's. Citrus'
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Post by esoxlucius on Feb 10, 2020 22:58:39 GMT
Just to let everyone know... I’ve been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself 😭 What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I’m feeling ok, but they said I should be out sometime in the spring.
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Post by esoxlucius on Feb 11, 2020 8:07:45 GMT
Having a chat with a bloke over a pint in my local last night.
I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.
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awin
Silver Seat
Posts: 1,765
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Post by awin on Feb 11, 2020 11:48:20 GMT
So there’s a guy stocking produce in a grocery store and this lady comes up to him and asks, “Excuse me, but do you have any broccoli?”
“I’m sorry,” he replies, “but we’ve run out of broccoli. We should have some in the morning.”
He goes back to work. A few moments later, the same woman taps him on the shoulder and asks for broccoli. He tells her, again, that they’ve run out but will have some the next day.
About five minutes later the same lady, irate now, comes back to the produce man and asks about broccoli.
“Ma'am,” he asks, “can you do me a favour? Can you spell ‘cat’ as in ‘catastrophic’?”
“C-A-T,” the woman replies smugly.
“OK, now how about ‘dog’ as in ‘dogmatic’?”
“D-O-G,” she says.
“Alright,” he answers, “now how about f as in ‘broccoli’?”
“There’s no f in ‘broccoli’!” She shouts.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, lady! There is no fckin broccoli!!”
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Post by 1qprdk on Feb 11, 2020 12:05:44 GMT
Help needed!
I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps increasing. She is constantly on her phone day and night, If she is not on it, it is in her hand or zipped up in her handbag which always goes with her. She may even be faking using the toilet as I am sure I have heard her having conversations in there. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them" or other such pass off lines.
I offer to pick her up but there is always an excuse and she gets a taxi. Ive always looked out for her ride coming home (which is getting later each time) but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. But if it really is a taxi, why not just get dropped off in front of the house?
Recently, I picked her iPhone up just to see what time it was and she went mental at me. screaming that I should never touch her phone again, and accused me of checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to brave it and check on her when she got home. I decided I was going to hide behind my car on the street which would give me a view of the junction that she gets dropped at so I could see which car she was getting out of and who she was with. It was around 2:30 am when she pulled up. As I turned to look, I placed my hand on the car (onto a small patch of rust which is forming on the edge of the rear light enclosure) and watched her leave her taxi in which she was alone.
The question is, should I worry about this rust spot? Can I fix it myself? or should I take it to a garage?
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Post by itsonlyagame on Feb 11, 2020 12:28:41 GMT
A man is on a delivery job in his lorry when it breaks down. While he’s waiting for the recovery vehicle to turn up he spots his mate Paddy passing by in another truck.
He flags him down and says “listen Paddy I have a bit of a situation and need some help. I have 15 monkeys in the back of my lorry and need to get them to the Zoo pronto. If I give you £50 could you take them for me”
“Sure” says Paddy. So they load the monkeys onto Paddys lorry and off he goes.
About an hour later the fella is still stranded by the roadside but spots Paddy in his lorry driving back the opposite way with the monkeys still onboard so flags him down again.
“I gave you £50 and told you to take them to the zoo. What the hell are you up to” he says.
“I did” says Paddy “but it only cost £30 so I thought I’d use the rest of the money to take them to the cinema”
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Post by itsonlyagame on Feb 11, 2020 12:32:24 GMT
Just to add my late dad was Irish and I first heard that joke in a pub in Mayo. Apologies if it’s offended anyone on here.
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Post by Ginger Ninja on Feb 11, 2020 13:25:00 GMT
Just to add my late dad was Irish and I first heard that joke in a pub in Mayo. Apologies if it’s offended anyone on here. That's the sad reality of today, people feeling the need to apologise for a harmless joke in case someone gets offended. Not saying anyone on here would get offended. |
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Post by esoxlucius on Feb 11, 2020 13:26:45 GMT
Just to add my late dad was Irish and I first heard that joke in a pub in Mayo. Apologies if it’s offended anyone on here.  An Irishman would have made the joke about a Kerryman. |
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Post by itsonlyagame on Feb 11, 2020 13:58:46 GMT
Just to add my late dad was Irish and I first heard that joke in a pub in Mayo. Apologies if it’s offended anyone on here. An Irishman would have made the joke about a Kerryman. So true 😄 |
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Post by itsonlyagame on Feb 11, 2020 14:01:34 GMT
Just to add my late dad was Irish and I first heard that joke in a pub in Mayo. Apologies if it’s offended anyone on here. That's the sad reality of today, people feeling the need to apologise for a harmless joke in case someone gets offended. Not saying anyone on here would get offended. Hopefully not, we’ll soon see 😄 |
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Post by Ginger Ninja on Feb 11, 2020 14:50:37 GMT
That's the sad reality of today, people feeling the need to apologise for a harmless joke in case someone gets offended. Not saying anyone on here would get offended. Hopefully not, we’ll soon see 😄 Nah I think you're alright on here mate 🤣 |
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Post by esoxlucius on Feb 14, 2020 9:42:47 GMT
Our local Odeon cinema in town has just been robbed.
Police are urging witnesses to come forward as its believed the getaway car is headed towards Beaconsfield
Two Gunmen have just escaped with an estimated total of £7500 in goods!
It’s believed the men have made off with 4 Hot Dogs, 2 medium Pepsi Max’s, a family size Popcorn and a large bag of Revels.
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Post by 2Loftus on May 18, 2021 9:50:12 GMT
Flabbio Briatore's Chinese cousin buys football team
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Post by Stanley75 on May 21, 2021 14:30:42 GMT
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Post by gtleighsr3 on May 21, 2021 14:40:17 GMT
I strongly protest at the placing of said thread!
Mlud following the rules of the board there is in no doubt a miscarriage of justice if this is not moved hence forth to the stiffs section.
The prosecution has no further comment.
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Post by Stanley75 on May 21, 2021 14:50:11 GMT
I strongly protest at the placing of said thread! Mlud following the rules of the board there is in no doubt a miscarriage of justice if this is not moved hence forth to the stiffs section. The prosecution has no further comment. The last joke was football related, so it's in the correct section. I rest my case. |
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An Irishman would have made the joke about a Kerryman. 
